Monday, May 14, 2012

sometimes it's just hard

The past few weeks have been to say the least a learning experience.  I have sat down to write this blog many times and felt that I didn't have the right to talk about what I considered to be "rough times".  There are so many out there who are dealing with big things - death of spouses, death of unborn babies, being robbed, losing jobs, losing a house,---BIG things.

My heart hurts for them.  It's hard to know what to say;  it's hard to know how to help;  it's just hard all around. 

I feel as though Buck and I are going through our hard time right now.  I am not complaining but I do hope that speaking about it others will understand CPS a little more and the children we love.  We currently have two precious little ones in our home.  They are full of energy, questions, love, imaginations and they make us laugh.  

However with them comes some huge emotions, huge hurts and huge pain.  I find myself getting so angry.  Our days now consist of big behaviors and long loud fits.  One day we listened to screaming for 4 hours with just a few seconds here and there for taking a breath.  There are other behaviors but that's not what's bothering me.  What is eating me at my core is the how angry I can become.  Angry at their parents for the hurts they allowed, angry at other family members for not stepping in, angry at a system that is not perfect, and at times angry at the kids for choosing to be defiant and at Buck sometimes for not correcting the way I would have.

I usually consider myself a patient and compassionate person.  However over that past few weeks I have felt anger that I didn't know I had.  I am tired and emotionally exhausted.  I wish I had answers now but nothing happens fast.  And everything is making me cry.  It's a hot mess.  

I am learning a lot about myself and my limitations.  I am also learning to forgive.  I am not there by any means but I think to fully love the children in our home we have to forgive their parents and teach the children how to deal with the wrongs in their lives.  I have to forgive a system that I feel limits us at times and forgive the children for the times they hit, yell and defy us.  

With all this said, I must say that even though it's hard we are glad to serve children this way.  We love them and are thankful for the joy they bring to our house and the lessons we are all learning together...that even though life isn't fair there is always the option for making something beautiful out of the mess!  Thankful for a God and friends who get their hands dirty with us!

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