Hallelujah

Hallelujah, to praise God.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in our foster care journey is that life does not take into consideration that you are fostering; things still happen.  You learn how to finagle it all.  You plan your schedules around CPS visits, counseling, the several medical appointments you have to do and family visits.  It just becomes your new normal.  I find it easy most of the time to praise God in this time.

Then there are times when the emotions of your little one in care become big.  Think about it,  you are 3, taken from the only parent you know and placed in a strangers home.  You cannot communicate well but you do know you don't like what is happening.  What you do know is how to yell, how to say no, how to hit, how to cry, how to fight for yourself.  It becomes harder to balance the every day when emotions become big but still my heart knows this is part of it.  This is what God wants from us.  My family can still praise him.

Then there are times like the last week where you find your two worlds colliding.  You see my husband injured himself and it requires surgery. He cannot drive or do much of what he use to do to help out.

To be honest there have been times since his injury where I have found it hard to praise-to power through yes but not praise.  Schedules, emotions, anxiety, and even our food choices have all been off for the kids this week.  At one point a friend called and asked how things were going and my response was "I have four kids crying and maybe one adult."

However here is what I know.  Even still we can praise Him. Even when, it feels so hard, we can praise Him.  I went to a conference a few weekends ago and heard a new (to me) song, My Hallelujah.  It's been on replay all day.  Here is the chorus (and the link will play the song),

 O, what can take away

My hallelujah

No darkness can contain

My hallelujah

Your cross has made a way

For my hallelujah

My hallelujah

Ya'll, His cross has made a way, what am I going to let steal my Hallelujah?  I hope I can say nothing!  Truth though, it's hard in life (and adding fostering to it) to remember the war was already won at the cross.  And when you forget may you find this song as encouraging and freeing as I have today.  So even in the storm of emotions you can find your Hallelujah!  

I have found my Hallelujah...friends, meals, check-ins, rides, texts, a hug from a child after they yell at you, the quiet of the night....these are all sweet reminders that God sees.

Hallelujah, to praise God.

More Special

It may be because I am hyper sensitive currently, that my days seem to revolve around meetings, notes, therapy and picking up the pieces of a little boy's heart who is hurting, or because we choose to talk about foster care openly and often to anyone who will listen, but I feel like the last few months I have heard this a lot "you are so special, I could not foster children."  Or "you are stronger than me".  

But to be honest, my family is not any more special and I am not stronger by any means.  If you had been at my house two weeks ago you would have seen me cry, seen me get angry, and heard my thoughts about if my family was really cut out for this foster care stuff.   

(Which on a side note made me think of this scene form Instant Family which I also suggest watching.  It's not 100% accurate but it does a great job of highlighting what it means to be a foster/adoptive family)

Last week we got some pretty crummy news about our current little one and I didn't really get a chance to process what this all meant for him because we were busy.  I also found myself thinking this child is just hard and was pretty upset about the news (not for him but for me).

Sunday in our LifeGroup we were talking about "what is your ministry" and "how do your friends spur you on in your ministry".  I must confess over the last few months with our little guy I have forgotten that this is our ministry.  I have seen him as a job, something we do because it's the right thing to do, kids need homes so we give them one.  As I sat in class I was gently reminded that the battle is not me versus the child.   The battle we are fighting is for his life, for his eternity, for his family, for his safety and health both physically and mentally. 

So when you say to my family that we are special or more strong what I want you to know is that we aren't.  We fumble, we get angry, we have bad attitudes and forget the reasons why we do what we do as well.  However I was also reminded Sunday of all those who messed up before me that God uses-Paul, Peter, Moses, the Baskin family, etc.  I love this quote saw this morning (on Lisa Harper's Facebook).

Thankful we get to help others see God's unconditional love.  Thankful for forgiveness when we mess up or forget our ministry.  Thankful for friends and fellow foster families who listen and don't tell you to give up.  So you see, we may not be any more special than you but what I do know is we serve a God who sees us a good enough to be used by Him and for that I am thankful!

chances

It's 1:00 am and as I am still awake there is something comforting about knowing all my loves are sleeping, allowing their bodies and minds a chance to rest and heal from yesterday and be ready for today (which comes in just a few short hours).  I've always been night owl however I am in a family of early risers so I rarely see these hours of the night.

As I lay thinking about the day, the week, the month, and the start of this new year (which can you believe it's now March, crazy) I keep thinking about how hard last year was in so many areas for my kids, for me, and for my friends.  Then I did what I always like to do on a new day and looked at the memories on Facebook.  I love looking back at the old memories.  

Facebook reminded me that on this day 7 years ago our first set of foster kiddos went home to live with their mom and brothers.  I remember having a myriad of emotions, but mostly excited for a  mom who was getting a second chance to be a mom.  My heart ached because I knew I would miss her babies who we had loved and cared for over the last 9 months but they were her children and her family was given a second chance.  

Tonight as I tucked my son in to bed, we talked about his day.  Something was hard.  He was treated unfairly.   We talked about how it made him feel but that everyone has bad days. Tomorrow is a new day for a new chance for a better day for him and a better day for the other person as well.

Both of these stories have reminded me tonight of God.  I think we sometimes forget just how much He forgives us and how much He allows for second, third, fourth, etc chances.  He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Duet 31:6).  He promises His mercies are new each morning (Lam 3:23) and that He forgives as much as the east is from the west (Ps 103:12).    

And though I at times do not want to give anymore chances to others or feel I do not deserve any more chances myself, when I separate from friends or family (which is necessary at times but still it hurts)  or they separate from me,  I can rest in the promise that nothing separates me from Gods love.  “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37–39).  

Because of His love we should want to do better, to forgive others, to forgive our self. His love will meet you in your hurt and  give you joy in the unlikely times.  His love gives you a chance.

Thankful for chances?  I am.