sometimes it's just hard

The past few weeks have been to say the least a learning experience.  I have sat down to write this blog many times and felt that I didn't have the right to talk about what I considered to be "rough times".  There are so many out there who are dealing with big things - death of spouses, death of unborn babies, being robbed, losing jobs, losing a house,---BIG things.

My heart hurts for them.  It's hard to know what to say;  it's hard to know how to help;  it's just hard all around. 

I feel as though Buck and I are going through our hard time right now.  I am not complaining but I do hope that speaking about it others will understand CPS a little more and the children we love.  We currently have two precious little ones in our home.  They are full of energy, questions, love, imaginations and they make us laugh.  

However with them comes some huge emotions, huge hurts and huge pain.  I find myself getting so angry.  Our days now consist of big behaviors and long loud fits.  One day we listened to screaming for 4 hours with just a few seconds here and there for taking a breath.  There are other behaviors but that's not what's bothering me.  What is eating me at my core is the how angry I can become.  Angry at their parents for the hurts they allowed, angry at other family members for not stepping in, angry at a system that is not perfect, and at times angry at the kids for choosing to be defiant and at Buck sometimes for not correcting the way I would have.

I usually consider myself a patient and compassionate person.  However over that past few weeks I have felt anger that I didn't know I had.  I am tired and emotionally exhausted.  I wish I had answers now but nothing happens fast.  And everything is making me cry.  It's a hot mess.  

I am learning a lot about myself and my limitations.  I am also learning to forgive.  I am not there by any means but I think to fully love the children in our home we have to forgive their parents and teach the children how to deal with the wrongs in their lives.  I have to forgive a system that I feel limits us at times and forgive the children for the times they hit, yell and defy us.  

With all this said, I must say that even though it's hard we are glad to serve children this way.  We love them and are thankful for the joy they bring to our house and the lessons we are all learning together...that even though life isn't fair there is always the option for making something beautiful out of the mess!  Thankful for a God and friends who get their hands dirty with us!

Newsletter Devo

Buck and I were asked to write a devotional for the Buckner newsletter.  So I thought I would share it with you since we completed it last night...

In preparing to be foster parents, one of the things that stood out to us most was the goal of foster care, to see families reunited.  We were also amazed at the success rate of families being restored and made whole again.

Looking back though we realized that this fact should not have amazed us, because we serve a God who is in the business of restoration and redemption. This truth is so important for us to remember as followers of Christ, but especially as foster parents, because of the brokenness and sin that is so often prevalent in the lives that we are working to change. Out of this darkness though it is God’s desire to bring light and life. Not just in the lives of the children in our homes, but also in the lives of their families, and the lives of all who are around us.

2 Corinthians 5:17-19 tells us that “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”

God has changed each one of us through Jesus, not for ourselves but for His glory and so that we could go out and do the work of seeing other lives changed and made whole again.  We must hang onto this hope so that we can continually live this great calling that God has placed in our lives even in the midst of all the pain we see. We must remember the purpose that God has for us and always work towards that goal of restoration.

We were blessed to see this in our first placement.  Our home was only open just a few days when we got the call that a two week old baby girl and her three year old brother were coming to our home.  Through the 9 months that we were blessed to have them be a part of our lives we got to see them grow and change.  But also through the work we were doing and the relationships we were building we saw healing in their parents and siblings and their family was eventually made whole again. What was most surprising though was the healing we saw in the members of our family as they cared for these precious little ones along side us.  What a great testimony this was and is to the restorative work of God in our world.

We are not naïve. We know there is still pain in this world, as we felt that pain when those little ones were no longer in our home.  We also know that not every case will go this well.  But even in the midst of that, we know that we must continually live out this calling so that others can feel the love of Christ and have the opportunity to feel his loving arms wrap around them and make what was once broken whole again, because Christ first did this for us. 

Here we go again

As many of you may know by now quite a bit of change has happened in our lives over the past few weeks.  First being that our sweet David and Daisy went home.  Their mom did everything she was suppose to do and we are so proud of her.  I cannot tell you though just how hard it is to not have them here in our home.  I miss their laughs and even their fits.  I miss getting to squeeze them and tell them how much I love them.  However I do know that God has restored a family and that they are trusting Him to continue the healing process for them.  And we are happy for them!

The next few days were so strange around the house and Buck and I just didn't know what to do, how to react.   I was sad and lonely, I was going a little crazy :)  But I rested in the fact that we serve a big God who knows the big picture.

Two weeks after our sweet babies got reunited with their mom and brothers Buckner called and asked if were ready for another placement.  Ready for another baby in the home I said yes!  They placed with us a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old little girl.  I cannot go into details but the case is so messy and the emotions these little ones are feeling are HUGE!  To be honest the first week was rough on all of us.  Getting use to each other, trying to reassure them they are safe here and that it's not their fault they have to live with us.  There were lots of tears on both ends!  I went to bed at 9 every night so worn out.

I am happy to tell you though now after two weeks that though we are still learning each other that we are having fun.  I still miss David and Daisy and I miss that unconditional love that a baby gives you because they know no better.  But God has given us the most girly little girl who loves to sing, twirl in dresses, dress up and be all things pretty!  She has even convinced me to wear a dress just for fun once or twice.  :)  Also we have a boy who is full of energy and knows what he wants and how to voice it.   Both of who are aching for love and acceptance.

So here we go again....what a sweet (emotional) journey we have embarked on.

What a week

As I sit here this morning and write out this blog my house has almost an erie emptiness about it.  Buck it at work, our floors are nothing but concrete as we await the installation of our new floors today and the kids are back home with their mom and step dad.  It's taken me a while to have the courage to sit down and write about their last days with us.  The memories are sweet but we do miss them terribly.

Today marks one week since our precious children returned home.   We both knew it was going to happen and we both knew that we were extremely happy for their mom and the work she has done and is still doing.  The last week was full of friends and family surrounding us and the little ones.  People stopped by (or spent the night) to love on them, to play with them, to remind them just how special they are and how God created them for BIG things.  To be honest at first I wasn't happy about this.  I was trying to be considerate of the feelings of others but all I wanted to do was soak up these kids all I could for myself and Buck.  I wanted "family time" and I wanted to hold them and love them.

After a few days of many people coming in and out of our home I realized, we are having family time.  Everyone who stopped by was loving on them just as we would have and truly loved them.  They all were feeling some level of grief and happiness.  It was truly the most beautiful picture of people understanding what it means to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."  For the first time I also understood just how many rallied around us and helped us through our journey with these kids, including our agency, Buckner.  And also, how a decision that we made two years ago to start the process to become foster parents affected those around us.  I was overwhelmed to say the least.

By the time Friday rolled around I was feeling ok about our little ones returning home.  There was a peace that only God can provide that I knew their mom loved them. she was grateful for us, for a second chance and for the love she felt from God and us.  It's a beautiful picture of God's mercy and redemptive power.  A family was being reunited YAY!!!!!!!

The CPS worker arrived early on Friday (which never happens) and within 20 minutes she was driving our last nine months away.  It was strange and cold feeling.  She showed up, we packed the car and they left.  I am not sure what I was expecting but it was all so strange to me.  So fast, so empty.  Buck and I decided to go get lunch.  We walk in the door and the hostess says to me (and very politely)  "so is there just two of you?"   It was like someone had punched me in the heart and gut all at the same time.  I immediately began to cry.   I felt as though I had lost part of who I was, part of my purpose and I felt lost.  I didn't know what to do.

The next week has been a blurr.  There have been good days and bad, good moments and bad.  However, there are a few things I can say with confidnece -we have great friends and a community who has supported us (and are ready to do it again), we trust God and know that this family is a beautiful picture of redemption and we will do it again!!!  I had a friend tell me just  few days again that we are tailored made to do this.  I told him thank you and it was just confirmation to me that when God calls you to do something you have to do it!  I never found more purpose in anything I have done before.  Thank you to all those who supported us.  (And to those of you who feel you are awkward in sad situations, I tell you just don't talk.  The worst part of this was listening to people try to fumble around and say dumb things or give you a pathetic look-just don't).

So where do we go from here?  Luckily the kids' mom wants to keep in contact with us and she wants all of her children to still have us and one of the other foster moms in their lives.  We are slowly figuring out how that looks.  But yay for that.  Also the number one question we get is will we do it again.  And YES!!!  I know not all causes will have a beautiful ending but I do know that we can't stop.  There are so many families and children who need redemption, who need a little bit of love, or who need a complete start over.  And as long as we can provide for children we are in this business for a lifetime.  So to all of you who supported us in our first placement, hang on to your hats, we going in again and will need you each time.

As with all things in CPS you just never know when your next placement will be so we are in a waiting game; it could be in a week, two weeks or a few months.  But we look forward to the next family that will be represented in our house.

PS if you would like more info about fostering please check out our agency.  www.beafamly.org

healing

This weekend many people said to me "Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the kiddos. I will pray that something will change and that they will get to stay with you."  As sweet as the statement sounds and I am sure kindness that was behind the words, it's a hard statement for me to swallow.  Don't get me wrong, we LOVE the kids and would be their forever home in a heartbeat, but if that happens it meant another family failed.   It means a mom who has been working hard to make changes messed up again, it means that we are rooting against her.  (And for those of you who have asked if mom does make a mistake or chooses not to stay well we will be the first to be called).

In my six plus years of working in the social work field and mostly with CPS families in some fashion I know this is not what always happens.  There are parents who choose to not get well and families fall apart.   I hope that as Buck and I continue in our journey as foster parents we will always be rooting for the parents and that we will remember that we serve a big God who does big things!  Then if the day comes that a parent chooses not to change then we will mourn the loss of the birth family for the child(ren) and hope to give them or someone will them a forever family.

Today this is easy to say.  There are tough days when I just want to keep kids and even more babies.  I find myself early on rooting against their mom too.  So I understand.

I ask you to pray for the family unit, (for mom, her husband, all the boys and the sweet baby girl) for mom to keep making changes and to stay well, to pray that Buck and I will be able to keep in contact with them and that our hearts will mend so we can do this again.  And to also be patient with us, it's all so new and the emotions are much bigger than we thought.  

tomorrow

So no matter how much we prepare ourselves for this transition and know that God's hand is in it all, it's still hard.

Visits for our little ones (by themsleves without the other boys) and their mom start tomorrow.  If all goes well they will do a few more then an overnight visit.  The most current word we have gotten is they will be transitioned home by Spring Break.

All of a sudden I have a sense of ergency.  There is so much more I want to do with them, so much more I want to teach them, and so many more times I want to tell them that we love them.

A little help from our friends....please

Over the past week or so I have been working on some things to be able to give our little ones when they go home to their mom.  I want them to know how special they are, how they are created by God and can make a difference in their community and world.

As I am working on putting their pictures together and in a storybook for them I realized just how loved they are by more than just Buck and I.  So I am asking for your help.  If you would like to write them a letter or have anything you would like to give them as a momentum from the time they spent in our lives please feel free to give them to me.  I am making them a keepsake box for them to take and be able to have such things in a safe place forever.

I also will be making sure we take pictures!!!  So if you have any pictures will you please send them to me.  We want to make sure that both children know just how much we and you all love them!!!!  :)

Thanks