What a month it has been...

So much to update on that I am not sure where to begin so let's start with the oldest child in our home.

Thanks so much to everyone who has been praying and checking on our the oldest little one.  His behavior is slowly getting better.  His tantrums are not nearly as long and the intensity of the tantrums are not has high either.  We are using some new techniques coupled with a few other things.  It's taken a team of professionals and friends/family but we are so thankful.  We are able to enjoy more of the day and see his little personality emerge now that he is not so angry all the time, for this we are grateful.

In the midst of having to help our oldest I felt as though we were not giving his sister as much attention as I thought she needed.  It was hard to play with her and help keep the oldest safe from his own actions.  But with less tantrums she is getting more time with us. She is truly one of the funniest little divas ever.  She loves her princess clothes and at age four can pick up on sarcasm and appropriately return it.  She is so full of life.  What a joy it has been to get to see her shine.  Her new favorite thing is to declare it "dance time" and we turn on a record, yes I said record and we all dance, even Buck.  I have had to let my inner girliness come out (it's usually hidden) with her but it's totally been worth every minute.

Also many of you may know by now that our first two little ones are now back with us so were are a family of 6 now-with lots of dirt, snotty noses, going everywhere in two cars, lots and lots of laundry and well lots and lots of energy.  The first few days were hard.  Buck and I both felt mixed reactions about them being back in care.  We are saddened for their mom and hate she is having such a rough time.  We felt this go around that a friend was hurting and it was harder  to hear all the details.  On the other hand what a joy these little ones are to everyone they meet.  Always smiling, using manners, and loving people. The only issue is that the baby will not let anyone else hold her....she loves Buck and Buck only and well she could take or leave me.  :)  I do think she is getting better but she still is wanting him a lot.

Once again thank you to all our friends and family who not only have been praying for us but who have checked in on us or dropped off clothes, a meal, a mattress, money for princess curtains, etc.  Buck and I may look tired and we may have forgotten to properly thank you but we do.  We CANNOT do this with out you all.  And we love you all jumping in our mess so it doesn't feel so messy!

Out of Control

In my 6 ish years of working a licensed social worker I have ran into several crisis situations and kids/youth from tough places dealing with tough things.   Never have I felt scared, uneasy or at a loss of ideas.  This all come to a screeching halt two weeks ago. For some back story Buck and I currently are fostering two little ones.  They have been living with us for 4 months (as of tomorrow).  They are talkative, full of energy and have great imaginations.

As the months have past we started to have some severe anger show from the oldest (a boy).  I remember thinking no big deal, we know how to handle this.  After many trial and errors nothing was working.  His tantrums became worse and would last longer.  Our agency was so encouraging--calling and checking on us, providing more training and helping us locate a great therapist.  Here and there we would have a day where the fits were not so long and we would feel that we had made some progress.

Four weeks ago the fits/tantrums began to escalate fast, last long (about 3 hours or longer) and we were slowly losing control. We were having two or three a day. We could not pin point the reasons for the fit-they weren't consistent and the escalation would happen fast, many times with no warning. There was nothing that seemed to work and believe me we tried everything and read lots of research and it was not working.  At one point during a fit I was so unsure of what to do I just prayed.  He stopped long enough to thank me for praying for him then picked back up.  This did give me a little chuckle :)

Two weeks ago while I was at work I get a phone call that he had ran away.  I was so scared.  He's so little and has no survival skill-what if we couldn't find him.  I pretty sure this is the first time I felt sheer panic in my life. Luckily we found him and he calmed down and went to sleep.  However when he woke up it began the longest day of my life.  I cannot remember what caused him to begin to throw a tantrum but it started about 9 in the morning and at 2 that afternoon we finally decided (with a team of professional help) that taking him to a pysch hospital was the best.

I must explain to you though how the tantrum felt.  As I watched him yell, scream, roll around in the grass, hit the windows, throw the patio chairs etc...I felt helpless.  It was like something had taken over his body.  He didn't even take time to breath.  I often would remind him to take a breath.  I was scared.

As we arrived at the hospital you are wanting to get help, wanting someone to acknowledge you are doing your best.  Well luckily this happened.  The admissions counselor was cold but the doctor we met with was so encouraging to us.  I was relieved to hear him speak to us but can someone explain to me that while we are in a room with a screaming child who is not stopping, who is running into the walls that we have to wait for 6 hours.  That's right it took 6 hours for us to get seen and to get admitted into the hospital. Ridiculous!!!

Once in the staff was helpful.  When I got back to the car after saying our goodbyes. I lost it.  I cried the whole way home, tears of relief, of pain, of hope, of sadness for him, of exhaustion.   I couldn't remember the last time I ate or how I was going to sleep knowing he was there.

In the few days he was in the hospital I was able to get some sleep and take time to see the good.  I was reminded that he is a little boy with big hurst, not just an angry child.  While talking through the events that night, I remember Buck asking how did I stay calm.  I was thinking-I didn't day calm, my insides were racing.  But even though I was scared and felt panic there was a strength that only God can provide to keep going.  This is the only explanation.

And to end this rather long post...I cannot get into the details of their case but please pray for them.  Also for all you parents out there....love on your kids, give them hugs, acknowledge they exist!  The power of human touch when you are young is soooo huge! Oh and he is doing better.  He is not well but better.  And well, we have gotten some rest and are ready to keep in this battle for him and his future.

So good news!!!!  Our first set of foster kids moved about 15 minutes from us.  Buck and I were able to visit them this week and it was good.  It was good to hug their necks, kiss their faces and to see how well they are doing.  It was good to know that their mom was doing the best she can and was really trying to do her best for her kids.  It was good to see happiness.

When we arrived to the home, the boys ran out and hugged us were so excited to see us.  Daisy was still asleep so we didn't really get to see her for a while.  Our current kids ran around and played outside with all the boys while I stayed inside and chatted with their mom.  We had a great talk and I shared with her how we were still on her team and that we are still here to encourage and help when we can.  She was grateful.

The best part of the day was when we were leaving, David put on his shoes and thought he was going to get to go with us somewhere and Daisy hugged Buck's neck and squeezed his cheek next to hers.  She would not let go.  So sweet.  As happy as we are they are with their mom it was good to know that they still remember us and enjoy us too!  What a blessing!

It's been crazy here the past few weeks.  But I wanted to take some time to say thanks to a great foster care agency.  We have had some difficult behaviors at our house and we were trying all we could do to help manage them.  To be honest it was hard to leave the house because we never knew when there would be a melt down or when someone might get hit.

However Buckner heard our hearts and ran to the rescue.  They took time to encourage us and give us extra training on what to do.  We finally got a diagnosis that made sense and a game plan.  I cannot explain the peace I now have and how much calmer our house feels.  I know that it will take time and that we are not going to be perfect at this every time, but I am glad to have the tools to help love, teach and care for a little boy who is scared and angry and doesn't know what to do with all those emotions.

Thanks!

What a month we have had at our house.  Our little ones are still with us and their emotions have just gotten bigger.  To be honest it is sometimes hard to stay calm in the midst of the anger our little ones are showing.  I know it's not completely their fault and I know that they have not been taught what's right and what's wrong however it's hard to remember that if you are being hit, yelled at or even bitten :)  I find myself tired a lot more.  It's not the emotions or the behavior that is tiring but to constant need to have to be one step ahead or having to be ready to de-escalate at any time or to walk one of them through what to do with their anger.

I am overwhelmed with sadness for them and wish that their healing process wouldn't have to take to so long (for them and for us).   And I am sad that they have valid reasons to be angry.  A lot has happened in their little lives.

However, Buck and I were able to talk to their grandmother yesterday and for the first time I had a peace.  I was able to hear more of their story and know that they do have a family member in their corner who has chosen to make better decisions.  It the midst of all the junk these little ones have to deal with it, it was a nice reminder of the healing power that God provides.

Also what a blessing it is to have such a good family and friends who don't get freaked out when we have a 2 hour yelling fit at our house or if something goes flying in the house.  It's a welcomed comfort to know that they will still love on these little ones and even give us a break from time to time (yay to mom who listened to a screaming fit so we didn't have too).  You guys make what we do easier!

And though it can be a zoo around here it makes it all worth it when you see a smile or you finally get a thank you or even an "I love you" at bedtime.  We are doing life together; what a blessing!

sometimes it's just hard

The past few weeks have been to say the least a learning experience.  I have sat down to write this blog many times and felt that I didn't have the right to talk about what I considered to be "rough times".  There are so many out there who are dealing with big things - death of spouses, death of unborn babies, being robbed, losing jobs, losing a house,---BIG things.

My heart hurts for them.  It's hard to know what to say;  it's hard to know how to help;  it's just hard all around. 

I feel as though Buck and I are going through our hard time right now.  I am not complaining but I do hope that speaking about it others will understand CPS a little more and the children we love.  We currently have two precious little ones in our home.  They are full of energy, questions, love, imaginations and they make us laugh.  

However with them comes some huge emotions, huge hurts and huge pain.  I find myself getting so angry.  Our days now consist of big behaviors and long loud fits.  One day we listened to screaming for 4 hours with just a few seconds here and there for taking a breath.  There are other behaviors but that's not what's bothering me.  What is eating me at my core is the how angry I can become.  Angry at their parents for the hurts they allowed, angry at other family members for not stepping in, angry at a system that is not perfect, and at times angry at the kids for choosing to be defiant and at Buck sometimes for not correcting the way I would have.

I usually consider myself a patient and compassionate person.  However over that past few weeks I have felt anger that I didn't know I had.  I am tired and emotionally exhausted.  I wish I had answers now but nothing happens fast.  And everything is making me cry.  It's a hot mess.  

I am learning a lot about myself and my limitations.  I am also learning to forgive.  I am not there by any means but I think to fully love the children in our home we have to forgive their parents and teach the children how to deal with the wrongs in their lives.  I have to forgive a system that I feel limits us at times and forgive the children for the times they hit, yell and defy us.  

With all this said, I must say that even though it's hard we are glad to serve children this way.  We love them and are thankful for the joy they bring to our house and the lessons we are all learning together...that even though life isn't fair there is always the option for making something beautiful out of the mess!  Thankful for a God and friends who get their hands dirty with us!

Newsletter Devo

Buck and I were asked to write a devotional for the Buckner newsletter.  So I thought I would share it with you since we completed it last night...

In preparing to be foster parents, one of the things that stood out to us most was the goal of foster care, to see families reunited.  We were also amazed at the success rate of families being restored and made whole again.

Looking back though we realized that this fact should not have amazed us, because we serve a God who is in the business of restoration and redemption. This truth is so important for us to remember as followers of Christ, but especially as foster parents, because of the brokenness and sin that is so often prevalent in the lives that we are working to change. Out of this darkness though it is God’s desire to bring light and life. Not just in the lives of the children in our homes, but also in the lives of their families, and the lives of all who are around us.

2 Corinthians 5:17-19 tells us that “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”

God has changed each one of us through Jesus, not for ourselves but for His glory and so that we could go out and do the work of seeing other lives changed and made whole again.  We must hang onto this hope so that we can continually live this great calling that God has placed in our lives even in the midst of all the pain we see. We must remember the purpose that God has for us and always work towards that goal of restoration.

We were blessed to see this in our first placement.  Our home was only open just a few days when we got the call that a two week old baby girl and her three year old brother were coming to our home.  Through the 9 months that we were blessed to have them be a part of our lives we got to see them grow and change.  But also through the work we were doing and the relationships we were building we saw healing in their parents and siblings and their family was eventually made whole again. What was most surprising though was the healing we saw in the members of our family as they cared for these precious little ones along side us.  What a great testimony this was and is to the restorative work of God in our world.

We are not naïve. We know there is still pain in this world, as we felt that pain when those little ones were no longer in our home.  We also know that not every case will go this well.  But even in the midst of that, we know that we must continually live out this calling so that others can feel the love of Christ and have the opportunity to feel his loving arms wrap around them and make what was once broken whole again, because Christ first did this for us.