Normal

Over the past few weeks I have been praying and asking God for normal.  I wanted to feel normal.  I wanted to be able to go places and not worry if the child with us is going to have a melt down...I want children who like me (our current placement could take or leave me)...I want school to be easy for the children in our home...I don't want to have to explain to others why we do things differently...I don't want to have to answer to everyone for every move we make (CPS, foster care workers, etc)...I want normal!

Yesterday as I picked up our little one from school and his teachers were telling me that he had a rough day.  And when we say rough we mean rough- hitting, screaming, then complete shut down. I got in the car and began to pray (which I have to do in situations like this before we decide to discipline); I prayed that God would teach me how to discipline so that one day we could have a normal day.

And as God always does he reminded me what I really wanted.  I wasn't asking for normal, I was asking for easy.  All those things I wanted were easy and made life less difficult.  But easy isn't normal.  What should be normal is that we are compassionate towards others, that we love people where they are but spur them on to greatness (especially little ones) and we do life together with others.  When you do all these things it's not easy but it should be what's normal for us to do (no matter if it's easy or not).

When you look at our past two years in foster care and just in life in general the right thing was almost always not the easy thing.  As I prayed for many different situations I always felt God was saying no.  I even told someone the other day, I just want God to say yes to one of my prayers-when it is my turn?  However today I am grateful life isn't easy (that our family doesn't look or do things the "normal" way).  It's a constant reminder that we need God and that I must take my ideas of normal and throw them out the window.  The healing process isn't pretty and I have to be in constant compassion mode.

And as I was reminded of this my anger was gone, my voice was no longer mad, and the rage I felt as I heard what he had done at school was gone....I saw him as God sees him and was thankful to be apart of his healing process.  I'll take that over normal any day!

Rainbows

Last year October during a soccer practice for one of our little ones placed with us I was watching the kids play.  At this time we had four little ones placed with us and for a reason I cannot remember I had all four of them at a practice. Usually Buck did soccer practice and I stayed at home with the other three or we would all go.  However on this rare circumstance I was there with the kids.  I remember thinking how much we were having and how I knew that two of the kids would soon be living with their grandmother.  Buck and I were happy about that for them and believed it was the best thing for those two.  Then as I watched the kids play I began to think about the fate of the other two little ones.  For these two their future was uncertain.  Buck and I were certain though that we wanted them to be a part of our family.  CPS had led us to believe this was a possibility, that this is what they wanted too.  I knew there were still some unknowns but these kids had captured my heart.

I began to pray.  I asked God for peace, for clarity and selfishly for the kids to become part of our family.  As I continued to pray for the future of the little ones and watched the soccer teams practice on a beautiful fall day where the sun was shining and there were very few clouds in the sky I saw a rainbow.  Immediately I felt a peace, I felt like God was reminding me that His promises are true and that I could rest in him and give him my worries.  It was overwhelmingly wonderful and overwhelmingly strange because things like this rarely happen to me.   And I cannot remember ever having a visible sign from God like this before.  It was such reassurance.

Time went by, one set of siblings returned to their grandmother mid November and then in what can only be explained as getting hit in the throat (it comes from no where and it takes you breath away and still hurts days later) court date the other two went home to their mom.  Buck and I cried, we felt lied to by CPS, we felt confused by what we thought God was telling us, and mostly we were sad.  Sad to not be able to wrap our arms around these little ones, to not know how they were doing and know if they are being taught about God's love and promises.

Time went by and we worked through the circumstances and began to foster again (after a two month break).  Our next placement was a five month old baby who was only with us a week.  I felt as though it was a nice way to ease back in.  He was a lucky little guy who ended up going to a good home.  But once he left it brought up all those emotions from our court date and the little ones I feel as though we lost.  So yesterday I was praying again about the future of those precious babies.  I cried because I missed them, because I wanted to know how they were doing, because I wanted hug them.

And again, as I was praying I see a rainbow-the fullest, brightest, and longest one I have ever seen.  At first I was thinking what does this mean.  Does is mean, they are coming back, does this mean God will soon give us word on how they are doing, does it mean that we will get new little ones soon that we will fall in love with just as much or does it mean......As you see, at first it didn't calm me down.

But then I realized, God's promises are true and are meant to bring comfort.  So what I can hold on to it that no matter where those little ones are God knows them, he sees them, he will be with them.  And in that I can see the beauty in the rain.   I may miss them, but I know that Jesus loves the little children and they cannot be in better hands than in His.

Craziness

What a crazy past moth it has been at our house.  Of course when it is not crazy at our house :)

One week after we reopened our home for placements after our two month break, Buckner called for the placement of a 5 month old baby.  A sweet little one that we were receiving from his stay in the hospital.  Although I cannot tell you why he was there I can tell you that God was truly looking out for this little one and must have big plans for him.  I would often tell him that God must want him to do something great since he kept him safe and allowed him to heal.  He went to live with his grandmother after a month with us.

This month we also were blessed to keep our niece for three weeks.  What a joy she was!  We played and laughed and got sick and played some more.  Hallie is full of energy and just loves to be with people.

We dog sat also in the last month and last weekend we had DNow at our church.  We had 15 girls at our house for the weekend.

It's been a beautiful messy past month but we loved it!  However, I am thankful for a day or two of rest.  We are taking time to clean the house and get it back into order and spending time praying for the next children (and the family they represent) that will be placed in our home.  Though the quiet is needed from time to time, I must be honest....I miss the craziness.  It's in those times you grow and you learn how to love!

Here I (We) Go Again

So after a month break from foster care, prayer, talking it through with each other, friends, family, and our trusted Buckner workers Buck and I have decided to reopen our home for placements on Monday.  When our home developer left yesterday and we told her to put us back on the open home list I couldn't help but start singing the all so famous Whitesnake song...

No, I don't know where I'm going 
But, I sure know where I've been 
Hanging on the promises 
In songs of yesterday 
An' I've made up my mind, 
I ain't wasting no more time 
Here I go again 
Here I go again 

Of course I know we aren't in this alone.  And I am thankful for the sweet moments God allowed for restoring our passion for foster care and the conversation we were able to have recently with a mom who just got her little ones placed back with her.  Her story was one of redemption.  We look forward to what God has in store next for us (and a little nervous).  And as reminded by our Buckner team, this doesn't mean we can't still be sad, we can't still wonder how our past little ones are doing but it means we are trusting God in all situations. 

So as next Monday, January 7, here we go again!

Adjusting

I was asked last night as I have been many times over the past few weeks “how you adjusting?”  Quick back story, we are foster parents and we recently went from four kids to none in about a two week period. Thos weeks also involved what felt like nothing less than a kick in the gut court experience.  Without sharing too much details of the case, we thought one of the cases was going to end in adoption but the judge and others on the case changed their minds at the last minute.  So back to the question “how are we adjusting?”  Depending on who you are you may have heard me say we are doing ok or we are making or my usual go to answer we are taking it day by day but trusting God. 

As I was driving home from my nieces’ Christmas dance program last night (side bar they were super adorable) I began to cry for the fourth time yesterday.  At first I just figured I was tired, Christmas music was playing and Delilah (no judging please) was asking people to call in and talk about those who they miss at Christmas time.  But as I continued to cry I hear some one questioning me…. are you really adjusting?  Are you really ok?  I began to weep more and wanted to yell NO, I am not ok but instead I felt an overwhelming peace someone saying, “this is hard, very hard but you are doing ok and together we will make it, but don’t be afraid to share your story.”  I realized then that I must be honest with both others and myself. 

My husband and I both still love foster care and love what we do.  We believe in families and that with the right help and the determination to change that families can heal.  We believe that we will always be involved somehow in the foster care system providing children with a home and a place to heal.  However, as we were so close to having “forever children” as we say in the foster care world I am having a time adjusting.  I however must share our story with others because not only does it allow others to get a better understanding of something we love and have devoted our lives to but to allow others to join in life with us as scripture teaches (Romans 15:15) and to encourage others that its ok to feel your emotions and to have good and bad days. 

So back to the original question---“How are you adjusting?”   Well that’s just it - it’s an adjustment. It depends on the day, how tired I am, what I have just heard on the radio, seen on tv, how someone just spoke to me or a plethora of other variables.  As I process the adjustment I often am comforted by something I learned in Dr Smiths class at ETBU----DABDA.  For you non counselors/social workers this is the grief process-  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  What it great about it is that there is not a set manner to go through the emotions.  It’s not circular and it’s not linear.

 This is how I am adjusting.  Many days, I am accepting.  I am doing fine.  I am happy a family is getting another chance (even with my many concerns).  I can laugh.   I also wake up and can’t believe it happened.  I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this nightmare.  It’s hard to believe our busy, loud house is quiet.  When I replay the past year and half for others is usually when I get angry.  There were so many misleading talks. At times I felt no one was looking out for the kids’ best interest.  I get angry about the way I was treated, that people didn’t do their job and angry about the let down.  I do wish I could make deals with cps and with the kids’ mom.  We were ordered no contact for 6 months.  We asked for Christmas contact and for birthday contact and both were turned down.  My bargaining has failed.  The depression is the sneakiest of them all.  I am a weeper by nature so it’s not uncommon for things to make me cry but right now the tears come more easily.  I ask that people be sensitive to this for me.  I am not ready to hear about others adoptions stories (I am super happy for them but I am still sad about my loss).  Those stories always make me cry even on a good day.  I get sad not knowing how the kids are doing.  I get sad when I see a child that looks like the kids that were in our home.   I get sad when others tell me that Christmas is for the kids.  I get sad when I realize what I have lost and that I miss being the mom figure for kids.  I miss the laughter in our home, the questions, the homework, the counseling trips, the chats about life.  Yes, some moments are super sad.

Through it all, I have felt blessed that God does not allow us to feel these emotions alone.  Not only does he listen to me cry, yell, or tell stories of those sweet little ones (all of the little ones who have come through our doors) but he places others in our life to feel them with us.  To you friends and family who have cried with me, listened to me yell, who have taken time to be with us I cannot explain how important that has been for our healing.  I often thought that with all the pain our group of friends have suffered in the past year (loss of babies, loss of adult children, loss of grandparents, loss of jobs, loss of marriages and health, etc) that what I was feeling shouldn’t even compare.  As if I should be ok and should move on to helping others; which is of course what God desires form us, to serve and love others.  But as I am reminded in this journey as we learn to adjust I too need to be served at times and need to allow others to jump into our messy lives and do it with us.  When I think I have this down, God reminds me that the business of loving people is messy and you have to allow others into your mess too.

So I am welcoming you into our mess.  Please be sensitive to it though.  We still have tough times and probably aren’t quite ready to hear your happy adoption stories or your friends of a friends aunt who did foster care too and she had a situation like ours.  For us this is unique to us and we are working through the adjustment. We welcome you to join in this with us as we will again reopen our home to little ones (not sure when but we will) and love them.  And know that no matter where you are in your adjustment and no matter what the adjustment is for, we are all worth the emotions and the feelings and as we trust God and do life together we then live life to it’s fullest. 

Oh and a huge thank you to our foster care agency, Buckner, who has gone above and beyond to take care of us and join in this process with us.  They are truly a blessing to us!

Election Day at our house

I know there is a lot that there is a lot going on with the elections coming up.  However I would like to ask you if you remember to take some time on election day to say a prayer for two of our little ones.  Their case goes to mediation and it's an important one this time.  I know every thing in their case is important but this has to do with their future placement.  We are praying for big things because we know we serve a big God.

Also, just as a quick update we are still going strong and enjoying a house full of busy busy kids who we love.  We have finally reached a normal for our family and though it may look different than most families we are blessed to have these children in our home and praying we are making the most of every opportunity while they are with us.  All four of them are growing and have brought personality, smiles, (sometimes tears) and blessings to us.

Doing life together

I love October..fall weather, leaves, perfect camping weather, hoodies, the fair, and of course the beginning of the holiday season (well at least the planning part).  It's almost as if you get a new start as we finish up the year.

I have had some friends ask why I haven't updated in a while but to be honest...life happens.  Our kids' cases have gotten messy and we need to be super careful about what is said.  I do ask for prayers not only for our little ones but for those who are making big decisions that will affect them in a big way.

Though the past few months have been hard at our house, we are not the only ones.  Life has been messy for many of our friends and for the first time I have lived in the DFW area I believe I truly know what it means when Jesus tells us to "mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice."  We have been blessed with a great group of friends who we have been able to do life together.  We have celebrated birthdays, weddings, new jobs, new children and we've mourned the loss of jobs, a loss of a baby and other family members together.  And together it's been made the messiness of life beautiful!

So to my book club friends and my church family I thank you.  Thank you for letting us do life with you and doing life with us.  I am grateful and feel blessed as we continue to do life together.