Hallelujah

Hallelujah, to praise God.

One of the most important lessons I have learned in our foster care journey is that life does not take into consideration that you are fostering; things still happen.  You learn how to finagle it all.  You plan your schedules around CPS visits, counseling, the several medical appointments you have to do and family visits.  It just becomes your new normal.  I find it easy most of the time to praise God in this time.

Then there are times when the emotions of your little one in care become big.  Think about it,  you are 3, taken from the only parent you know and placed in a strangers home.  You cannot communicate well but you do know you don't like what is happening.  What you do know is how to yell, how to say no, how to hit, how to cry, how to fight for yourself.  It becomes harder to balance the every day when emotions become big but still my heart knows this is part of it.  This is what God wants from us.  My family can still praise him.

Then there are times like the last week where you find your two worlds colliding.  You see my husband injured himself and it requires surgery. He cannot drive or do much of what he use to do to help out.

To be honest there have been times since his injury where I have found it hard to praise-to power through yes but not praise.  Schedules, emotions, anxiety, and even our food choices have all been off for the kids this week.  At one point a friend called and asked how things were going and my response was "I have four kids crying and maybe one adult."

However here is what I know.  Even still we can praise Him. Even when, it feels so hard, we can praise Him.  I went to a conference a few weekends ago and heard a new (to me) song, My Hallelujah.  It's been on replay all day.  Here is the chorus (and the link will play the song),

 O, what can take away

My hallelujah

No darkness can contain

My hallelujah

Your cross has made a way

For my hallelujah

My hallelujah

Ya'll, His cross has made a way, what am I going to let steal my Hallelujah?  I hope I can say nothing!  Truth though, it's hard in life (and adding fostering to it) to remember the war was already won at the cross.  And when you forget may you find this song as encouraging and freeing as I have today.  So even in the storm of emotions you can find your Hallelujah!  

I have found my Hallelujah...friends, meals, check-ins, rides, texts, a hug from a child after they yell at you, the quiet of the night....these are all sweet reminders that God sees.

Hallelujah, to praise God.

More Special

It may be because I am hyper sensitive currently, that my days seem to revolve around meetings, notes, therapy and picking up the pieces of a little boy's heart who is hurting, or because we choose to talk about foster care openly and often to anyone who will listen, but I feel like the last few months I have heard this a lot "you are so special, I could not foster children."  Or "you are stronger than me".  

But to be honest, my family is not any more special and I am not stronger by any means.  If you had been at my house two weeks ago you would have seen me cry, seen me get angry, and heard my thoughts about if my family was really cut out for this foster care stuff.   

(Which on a side note made me think of this scene form Instant Family which I also suggest watching.  It's not 100% accurate but it does a great job of highlighting what it means to be a foster/adoptive family)

Last week we got some pretty crummy news about our current little one and I didn't really get a chance to process what this all meant for him because we were busy.  I also found myself thinking this child is just hard and was pretty upset about the news (not for him but for me).

Sunday in our LifeGroup we were talking about "what is your ministry" and "how do your friends spur you on in your ministry".  I must confess over the last few months with our little guy I have forgotten that this is our ministry.  I have seen him as a job, something we do because it's the right thing to do, kids need homes so we give them one.  As I sat in class I was gently reminded that the battle is not me versus the child.   The battle we are fighting is for his life, for his eternity, for his family, for his safety and health both physically and mentally. 

So when you say to my family that we are special or more strong what I want you to know is that we aren't.  We fumble, we get angry, we have bad attitudes and forget the reasons why we do what we do as well.  However I was also reminded Sunday of all those who messed up before me that God uses-Paul, Peter, Moses, the Baskin family, etc.  I love this quote saw this morning (on Lisa Harper's Facebook).

Thankful we get to help others see God's unconditional love.  Thankful for forgiveness when we mess up or forget our ministry.  Thankful for friends and fellow foster families who listen and don't tell you to give up.  So you see, we may not be any more special than you but what I do know is we serve a God who sees us a good enough to be used by Him and for that I am thankful!

chances

It's 1:00 am and as I am still awake there is something comforting about knowing all my loves are sleeping, allowing their bodies and minds a chance to rest and heal from yesterday and be ready for today (which comes in just a few short hours).  I've always been night owl however I am in a family of early risers so I rarely see these hours of the night.

As I lay thinking about the day, the week, the month, and the start of this new year (which can you believe it's now March, crazy) I keep thinking about how hard last year was in so many areas for my kids, for me, and for my friends.  Then I did what I always like to do on a new day and looked at the memories on Facebook.  I love looking back at the old memories.  

Facebook reminded me that on this day 7 years ago our first set of foster kiddos went home to live with their mom and brothers.  I remember having a myriad of emotions, but mostly excited for a  mom who was getting a second chance to be a mom.  My heart ached because I knew I would miss her babies who we had loved and cared for over the last 9 months but they were her children and her family was given a second chance.  

Tonight as I tucked my son in to bed, we talked about his day.  Something was hard.  He was treated unfairly.   We talked about how it made him feel but that everyone has bad days. Tomorrow is a new day for a new chance for a better day for him and a better day for the other person as well.

Both of these stories have reminded me tonight of God.  I think we sometimes forget just how much He forgives us and how much He allows for second, third, fourth, etc chances.  He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Duet 31:6).  He promises His mercies are new each morning (Lam 3:23) and that He forgives as much as the east is from the west (Ps 103:12).    

And though I at times do not want to give anymore chances to others or feel I do not deserve any more chances myself, when I separate from friends or family (which is necessary at times but still it hurts)  or they separate from me,  I can rest in the promise that nothing separates me from Gods love.  “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37–39).  

Because of His love we should want to do better, to forgive others, to forgive our self. His love will meet you in your hurt and  give you joy in the unlikely times.  His love gives you a chance.

Thankful for chances?  I am.  

Is God Good?

As the year comes to close I can't help but think about the last year.  I feel like this year more than most was full of heartache.  Just to name a few I watched a friend lose her husband, another lost her son, friends with health issues, we have had two of our foster kids move for reasons where I think the system failed them, kids who were suppose to return home but parents made more mistakes, loss of friendship, a group of girls at church who last week asked "you aren't going to leave us are you, people keep quitting on us here and at home," and not to mention all the things at our home that broke and needed replaced.  With all of this and more I found myself last week wondering where is the good.  I never question God's power, his strength, or that he is has the ultimate say but I sure did question His goodness.  

Jesus teaches that we are to be the light to the world.  Wherever the darkness is we are suppose to bring hope, light and restoration.  It's hard not to get caught up in all the brokenness and injustices we see.  Yet if we just scream about the hurt we are missing half the story.  I had to relearn that God is good all the time.  I recently completed a study of Job with a group of ladies at church.  Reading this book I was reminded that our purpose is to glorify God.  And because of sin God cannot promise a life without heartache but what He can promise is that He will never leave you and that is good.  God is good because with you in the pain.   God is good because His eternal promise of heaven if we trust Him.  

We also know God is good because of Jesus. 

 Max Lucado said it best  "He[Jesus] pressed his fingers into the sore of the leper. He felt the tears of the sinful woman who wept. He inclined his ear to the cry of the hungry. He wept at the death of a friend. He stopped his work to tend to the needs of a grieving mother. He doesn’t recoil, run, or retreat at the sight of pain. Just the opposite. He didn’t walk the earth in an insulated bubble or preach from an isolated, germ free, pain-free island. He took his own medicine. He played by his own rules. Trivial irritations of family life? Jesus felt them. Cruel accusations of jealous men? Jesus knew their sting. A seemingly senseless death? Just look at the cross. He exacts nothing from us that he did not experience himself."

Jesus wept for the brokenness in the world.  He loved and felt the hurt of his friends.  And because of God's goodness we have someone, Jesus, who can relate to us in our hurt.  

I pray that I can continue to mourn with those who mourn but not forget that I God works in eternity time, He promises He will return and while we wait we can rest in His goodness. So the year ends I ask, what are you spending your days doing?  Are you doing things that glorify God, are you mourning with those who are mourning or are you too busy to see the pain?  Are you yourself in a season of pain and can't see God's goodness?  I hope you feel and knows God's goodness in your pain.  

Be the One

Last Friday night I attended a concert with friends.  I love music and I love worshiping with music.  Christian music is not usually my first choice to listen to in the car ( I am more of a motown girl).  However, I recently fallen in love with Natalie Grant and her music.  Her music is soulful, full of truth and Friday when she was signing it was like her and I were having a conversation.  She spoke to parts of my heart many don't know, the struggles I wrestle with, and the dreams I dream.  How does she do that?

There was one song though that I just can't shake.  The words, the truth, it hit me hard and I am still processing what this means and looks like for not only me but my for my family as well.  Her song Be One….

We don't feel ready
We don't feel steady
Question what we really have to give
Stay where it's safer
Claim faith, but waiver
Is this how we really meant to live?

We pray but never move
We say but never do

It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts
Calling all hands
Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come
We can be the one
We can be the one

Oh my!! She sang and pictures of faces, of people I know who are struggling, of foster families who need encouragement, of kids who need to know they are loved, of my own struggles flashed in my mind.  Then in that still small voice as God often speaks (I wish He was louder at times) Be the one, Stephanie…..you can be the one!

Here's the deal.  There is a lot going on in the world now.  Lots to argue, lots to debate and lots to divide.  I wonder though is the argument worth it?  Is the blasting on Facebook what others should believe worth it?  We are praying for change but look to your left and your right, what does your neighborhood look like, what does your group of friends look like, what are you talking/complaining about but not doing anything to help change?  Are you more concerned about what others say and do than if they know there is a God who loves them, who created them and who died so they can feel an unnatural love, so they can belong to a family, so their eternity is not spent in separation from the King of the World?

These days seem so crazy to me.  I can't turn on the tv, social media or even go the grocery store with out everyone having an opinion.  All I can think is if we cared enough about the souls of the others as we do if we kneel or stand during the anthem, maybe just maybe the rest will fall into place.

Buck and I have been working on a devotional specific for foster families.  It's been an emotional journey to say the least to relive some of our hards times, to wrestle with God again about decisions made but to also be reminded God is in the people business.  He is still in the miracle business.  You can either choose  to show others His love or you can sit back and safely give your opinions with out being the miracle you are praying for God to give.

I pray for me, and my family and my friends that we will choose to get our hands dirty and be the one, mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15) and to know that if we speak to men but don't have love we are like a noisy gong (I Corinthians 13:1).

Join me (and keep me accountable), together lets 'be the one"

To listen the whole song, Be the One click here

Back to School, God will Make a Way

I love back to school.  I love school shopping (for the most part), I love getting new clothes, picking out back packs, learning, and all the good that comes from school.  I have always loved it and would still be in school if it made sense and wasn't too costly.  All the kids we have had come in and out of our home mostly have loved school as well.  My parents are teachers, mother in law works in a school, my husband works at a school, and I have several friends who are teachers.  You get the picture, though I didn't want to be a teacher myself I do love all things school!

Back to school this year though has not been all smiles.  You see I have a child who struggles with trauma related anxiety.  I have been asked by several other parents in the same boat what we do and how we handle this time and also we have been asked by our friends what can they do to help.  So I write this today to share a glimpse into our life for nothing other but hope that another family doesn't feel alone and to help those who may not have this issue know how to help/love on a child who deals with anxiety.  

Even as I write this my daughter is sitting in my lap with her arms around my neck.  This has been my last week,  Lots of snuggles, needing hugs, asking questions and saying " I don't think I am going to go to kindergarten"  Her little brain is in high alert and bless her she can feel the changes coming.  There is a lot that goes into back to school that I never thought of before.  New classes, new room, new hours (we go all day now), no naps, new friends, new routines, new things to learn, new sounds, new smells, new new new.  We have practiced walking down the hall to the kindergarten rooms, we practice getting up and getting dressed, eating breakfast and getting out the door.  

We have gone over who are her safe people.  Who do you tell when you feel scared, when you don't know what to do, when the newness becomes too much.  We are blessed to be in a school district that loves my kids.  They love them well and who allows for our quirks.  My daughters knows her teacher is there to keep her safe,  she knows her principal will help if her teacher needs it and she knows her daddy is across the parking lot in his office if she just can't make it.  

What is hard is though she knows this she has a hard time feeling it,  We read books about being in school (The Kissing Hand is my favorite) and we have rituals we do about feeling safe and how mommy's and God's love is with you everywhere you go.  But again, for her 5 year old brain she doesn't always remember.

I have been dreading this week all summer.  Telling my friends how hard it's going to be and asking for prayers.  As I have been praying this summer I keep asking God to take her fears away.  Today while showering (it's my only alone time and that's only if my husband is home) I was praying again and then laughed.  I remember praying God will take my daughter's night terrors away when we found out we were going to have a bio daughter.  I was already super tired and couldn't imagine a non sleeping infant as well in the mix.  God is faithful and funny.  My bio daughter is an excellent sleeper from the day we brought her home and the night terrors didn't decrease for another year.  But God made a way.  

And that's just it...God will make a way.  I don't know if we will rock the first week, if it will be hard, if we practiced enough or if I told her enough that I love her.  Trauma is a tricky beast.  What I do know and what I have been singing in my head all day and have made it my theme song for the week is God will Make a Way 

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Look it up if you don't know it.  It's an old song that honestly I forgot about until today.  

God will Make a Way (this is not my youtube and just found it so you can listen to the song if you do not know it)

If you are a parent of a child who shares the same struggles know I am with you.  I know this time can be hard but I also know God gives a strength to you if you ask to be the best parent for your child.  He will make a way!

If you see a parent struggling or a child please feel free to ask how they may need help.  You may just be part of the way God is providing. Please feel free to teach your children how to be kind to kids who are a little different but most of all show us patience.  We may be late, we may look like there have been tears, we may look tired, we may smile and feel nervous about the day or we may just need that nod that acknowledges you see us.  Pray for our children and their teachers and classmates.  Back to school though full of fun pictures and new beginnings for some is not as picture perfect.  

Yet I hold on to this God will make a way and happy back to school to my Texas friends!

Seasons

My child touched a dog today! You may read that and say so what?  However in a season of one hard after another, a season of having to say no and a season of no sleep I have been praying a lot for God to give me little shout outs, almost like a little pat on the back to keep me going.  I stopped asking for the hard to go away but for the ability to do the hard.  

While other parents are excited school is starting and their kids are super ready to get back to see their friend and to be in their activities , my house does not.   I have two who will be starting kindergarten, two whose backgrounds are much alike but so different.  Back to school is a time of hard here.  There are so many changes and for a child who needs to feel safe, her safety is taken away and we throw her to the masses and say "good luck"  OK for all you teachers I know it's not quite like that but it can feel that way to her and me. And we do love our school!  We've been preparing and practicing and doing everything the books, counselors, and  my gut tell me to do but fear can be a hard thing to overcome especially for such a little one.

Ok back to the dog.  We were at some friends house today for a birthday party.  Everyone had an excellent time.  On the way out my daughter asked to touch the dog and even feed their dog.  My child is terrified of dogs and even cries just thinking there might be a dog wherever we may go.  I was happy she wanted to pet this dog.  

When we got in the car I was telling everyone how great they did at the party and she grinned and said "yeah mom, I touched a dog."  I knew she wanted me to make a huge deal out of so I did.  After we got on the road to head home, I could feel that still small voice say "there's you a pat on the back."  What true joy came for her and for me just from touching a dog!

I know we all have seasons.  We are all in different seasons at different times.  Some are happy, some are sad, some seem impossible, but God is the same God in all those seasons, that we can count on.  And today (well actually tomorrow now)  I am choosing to rejoice big in even what seems like a small thing.  Thankful for a God who reminds a friend to send you a card or text or who slows your brain down enough to see the beauty in the mess.